Avoiding “The Face”

It happens when you least expect it. After the giggles, the coos, and the I-love-yous. Tip-toing at the heels of a fuss-free night, and yelling “surprise” at the sound of a iPhone camera click. Captured in time. Caught in the act. It’s “the face”. And every parent shudders at its appearance.

Child-free individuals see “the face” and think, “What a cute baby!”

And those people are sickos. Because there’s nothing cute about a grumpy baby.

Especially not when that grumpy baby is my baby. And the time he decides to be grumpy is approximately any-and-every time I feel absolutely exhausted. It’s like Clark has a radar on my emotions. One dip into the negative and guess what? He’s going to take the plunge with me. Thanks, kid. I’m happy you’re my partner in crime. But really, you can sit this one out. Preferably, you could sleep this one out. Really.

There are a few things you can do to avoid getting “the face”, and they’re quite simple, really. So, I don’t know why anyone is even putting up with these tragic moments anymore. Clearly, I’m a superior parent. But, I’ll share my secrets with you.

1. Do not make eye contact with your baby. Ever. You think he’s bored? Perhaps he’s hungry? Maybe, even, he’s letting out a few happy coos? Do not give in. Do not surrender. Do not deviate from the plan. Avoiding eye contact will not only prevent “the face” from being made, but you will also never come in contact with it, if you so desire. Tip #1 allows you to get on with your day, free from “the face”. But if that fails…

2. Immediately plug the noise-hole with a pacifier. You must be quick to use this trick. At the first indication of sound, quickly thrust the plastic piece into the baby’s mouth. Unfortunately, this does not work for avoiding noise that comes from the other end. However, this article is about “the face”. More on the butt later.

3. Turn off all the lights. Purchase blackout shades. Unscrew all the lightbulbs. Learn to exist solely on the light from your iPhone, and a few moments of see-ing bliss during bathroom trips (um, actually, you might want to go all twilight mode in there, too. Especially if you have some weight left to lose). Living life in complete darkness will allow your baby to be calm, while also shielding you from any chance of catching “the face” in action.

I mean, really, these are some rock-solid baby tips here. Also, they’re incredibly realistic. Please make sure you continue to power-pump every 15 minutes, cloth diaper, and go vegan. And, what were you complaining about again? Oh, yeah, being tired? Stop that.