Should I Use Breast Milk to Treat an Eye Infection?

The above quote is a recent attempt to shame me for suggesting that a new mom contact her pediatrician to treat her baby’s eye infection. Yes, ladies, you interpreted that correctly: I am the bat shit crazy lady for suggesting that, perhaps, the expertise of a medical doctor should be sought over squirting a substance with live cultures into the eye of a newborn. Alas, I’m nuts because I thought you would squirt the breast milk. In fact, the actual way to do this is to use a dropper. Silly me. How could I have not known that there was a method to administering breast milk into an infected eye? Clearly, I am the ridiculous first time mom who calls the doctor “for everything”. You know, because I suggested contacting the doctor for an infection and stated (accurately) that breast milk is not a sterile solution, I must be a hypochondriac.Since I do not believe myself to be infallible, I decided to do a little research on what the interwebs say about the many uses and cures for breast milk. I must admit, I was shocked and awed by the multitude of uses for this magical “liquid gold”. So much so that I decided it would be best for everyone if I shared my favorite home remedies for breast milk:

1. Eye infections/pink-eye/conjunctivitis: Much to my surprise, breast milk is widely recommended for the treatment of eye ailments in infants. Most sources agree that “within a week” the affected eye will be cured. Sure, this neglects the fact that pink eye only lasts about seven days if its mild and untreated, but sure, ladies, it’s that dropper full of breast milk you’ve been administering daily.
2. Teenage acne. I’m really curious about this one. How, indeed, do you get breast milk onto a teenager’s face, and is it legal? Because, aside from lying (this thin, white liquid? Oh, no, it’s not breast milk. It’s soap-nouveau) and trickery (adding breast milk to actual soap), I don’t see how you’re managing to slip the nip to an unsuspecting teenager.
3. Circumcision wounds. If you’re disturbed by breast milk being used as a teenage acne remedy, do not let your mind wander when it comes to healing a baby’s stitched-up pee-pee. Really, I feel that I can’t go any further without posing the question: do you put milk on any of your wounds? And, do any animals in the wild use milk as medicine? FYI: The answer is NO! Do not put your milk on your son’s penis, sicko!
4. Chicken pox. In the off chance that you never stop lactating, you can be thankful when your children contract the chicken pox virus. After all, breast milk will pretty much cure the chicken pox and ease the itching. Good thing you didn’t waste your time on that vaccination, because, later, you’ll be able to test out the use of breast milk on shingles!
5. Cancer. Yes, you read that correctly. Breast milk can cure cancer. Specifically, prostate cancer. Take that, science (and men). Women of the world are going to destroy the overgrowth of cells with boobies! And you thought they were just decorations. Psh!

In case you were thinking about weening your baby, don’t ever, ever do it. It has become clear that breast milk is the ideal source of nutrition and protection from disease. This is true for all ages, aliments, and abrasions. You should breastfeed your child into adulthood. The laws are being changed so that you can come to college with your grown up baby, and he can feed on demand. You’re kind of like a seeing eye dog, but for eating.

Seriously, though, this breast milk fetish has to end. It’s creepy, and there is absolutely zero evidence that any of these “remedies” work. It’s like the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding using Windex for everything. You ladies are as weird and laugh-worthy as a fat, balding, uneducated Greek man. And the worst part of it all is that you’re absolutely convinced that you are 100% right in your belief that breast milk is magical. Because you read it on the internet. Or heard it from a lactation consultant. Let me tell you something about lactation consultants (IBCLC or not), it’s their job to make money off lactation. If they can find things to use breast milk for, then they stand to make professional gains. If they can talk you into their voodoo, then you’ll pay them for their services. A house visit from a IBCLC can run upwards of $250/hour. HMM. I wonder why they loveeeee using breast milk for everything.