Going Shopping Alone, at Target, with a Newborn

Ok, so maybe I didn’t go “alone” because, technically, Clark was with me. But, truthfully, he wasn’t much help. Actually, he was more of a nuisance. Tightly pressed against my belly and chest in his Beco baby carrier, Clark decided to grunt, squirm, and squeal when most inappropriate (ex: when I was trying to pick out panties. Embarrassing). Since I haven’t purchased any clothing for myself since having the baby, I felt lost over what size would fit me and if the same cuts would flatter my (slightly out-of) shape. But, the time had come: I needed something appropriate to wear out for dinner tomorrow night.

And, not to toot my own horn, but I found it. Okay, just kidding, TOOT TOOT! The fact that this dress is a medium MADE MY ENTIRE WEEK. I know this is shallow, but I really don’t know what I would do with myself if I had to buy a large dress for my larger-than-pre-pregnancy body. Actually, I lied. I know exactly what I would do with myself. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry it out for like 23 minutes, then I would get over it and fab on. Because life doesn’t stop and wait for you to get back in shape. It goes on.

Speaking of postpartum bodies, I’m sure we’ve all heard about Maria Kang by now. You know, that hot mama who has three babies under 3 years old who we all love to hate. Honestly, she looks great. Ideally, I’d love to look like her (or better), but right now, I do have a few excuses that I’d like to share with the class:

1. Cheeseburgers taste delicious. I know, because I’m about to eat one right now. And I fried it in butter. And it’s going to be smothered in cheese. And it’s going to make me feel so happy. And, then I’ll feel like shit later, but that’s what peanut-butter cups are for: pick-me-ups. Am I right, ladies?
2. My husband thinks I’m attractive anyway. Yup. I still have a few pounds to lose, but he tells me every day that he thinks I look great. And, since he can’t keep his hands off my ass, I think Miss New Booty might be here to stay (well, for now). In fact, he wants to have another baby. So, why am I going to get back into shape again…?
3. I have yet to watch everything there is to watch on Netflix. This is sad, but true. Sorry, Ms. Kang, but Netflix is best watched on a featherbed. In yoga pants. With coffee. And blankets. And laziness.
   
4. My baby slept through the night, and so did I. And everyone knows sleep is amazing for your body. So, I don’t have to work out today. Right?
5. I hate people. I hate people so much, that I do not want to see a single living soul, and going to the gym would just ruin my day.
6. Clark (my baby) is giggling, and I don’t want to miss it. Yes, he does it every morning. Yes, he then takes a nap. No, I do not feel like leaving. Mkay?

So, yes, what I have presented you with are a bunch of invalid excuses. But I’m happy. I’m also not offended by Maria Kang, because she’s right. And, in my case, my husband’s flexible schedule allows me to hit the gym on the daily. So, I should get my butt on the treadmill. And I will. But, my life is a marathon, not a sprint. So if it takes me a year to be “bikini-ready”, then so be it.