When I Finally Felt Like a “Mom”

Today’s the day. I finally felt like a total “mom”. And I felt this way when I was all by myself. In my car. Alone. On my way to the grocery store. When I had a seriously devious thought. And I went through with it. Brace yourselves for what I did on my way to Trader Joe’s. It’s not for the faint of heart:

Have you caught your breath yet? Yes, I went to Starbucks on my way to the grocery store. And I got a latte. Not just any latte, but an extra hot latte, with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR SHOTS OF ESPRESSO. And I g

ot it with soy milk (which, because of its estrogen-related issues is a no-no in our apartment refrigerator). And THEN I went to Trader Joe’s, latte in hand, and took a nice, long, leisurely trip around the aisles as I finished my tall quad soy extra-hot latte in peace.

Worst of all is that today was not at all particularly stressful. In fact, it was a very quiet, lovely morning with delicious breakfast (made even more delicious by the sheer fact that I, indeed, did not prepare it), and lots of cuddles from my drop-dead handsome husband. So, basically, I truly felt like a mom today because I was totally spoiled by alone time, and I still felt exhausted. Overwhelmed.

But grateful. Every day I try to remind myself of all the great things I have in my life: my husband, my baby, my family, my laid-back, creative lifestyle. I’m thankful for it all. I’m so happy that I’m not forcing myself to fit into a white-picket fenced box. I’m so happy I don’t feel pressure to be perfect. I’m so happy. Seriously happy.

And that’s why a secret trip to Starbucks made me feel like a rebel. Because I’m happy, and I didn’t need the latte, but it just felt so good to deviate from the plan. To make an impromptu stop for coffee. To make myself feel alive. And that’s crazy. But that’s what being a mom is like.

Last night, I was baby-free. I spent the night with my husband. I wore heels. I did my hair. I put makeup on. I sucked my body into a form-fitting dress. I ate sushi. I had a beer. And I felt like the girl who was just dating my husband. I felt like “me” again. And, then, I remembered: I still am me. I’m still in there. And that was the greatest, most perfect anniversary gift my husband could have given me.

Speaking of my husband, I’m so proud of him for maintaining his stand-up career, grad school schedule, and adding a podcast to his agenda while still being an absolute joy and indispensable help when it comes to taking care of Clark. Brian is the reason I don’t lose my mind. He’s the reason I’m able to keep my head above water. And he’s a constant surprise. I love him so much. And I don’t care if that makes me gushy or vulnerable. I’m safe with him. I’m at home with him. And I’m inspired by him.

They say that you experience a rush of oxytocin immediately after having a baby. But I get that every day. And I never want it to end.  My fairytale is only just beginning.