What You Didn’t Expect When You Were Expecting

Last night, Clark puked on my vagina. Yes, you read that correctly. My 12 week old baby was sitting up (with support) on my lap, when he decided to vomit all over my yoga pants, and the liquid seeped through my underwear and was touching my lady parts. Needless to say, this is something I definitely did not expect when I was pregnant. I thought What to Expect When You’re Expecting was supposed to prepare me for motherhood. Obviously, it did not.

So, after the midnight outfit change that I totally did not anticipate, I began to wonder: what other surprises lie ahead on my dark, uncharted path of parenthood? Furthermore, what unexpected events had I already encountered?

Well, for starters, I thought I would exclusively breastfeed. But I learned that the entire mommy community lies to you about how “easy” and “beautiful” nursing is, and then rubs the “breast is best” motto in your face if you need to use formula. There’s been a movement toward being honest about what a pain-in-the-ass nursing can be, but lactation consultants just fuel mommy-shaming fire. So, instead of EBFing, I ended up exclusively pumping. Until my supply dropped, and now I’m pumping and formula-feeding. Trust me, I’d rather be nursing or giving my baby bottled breast milk, but everything keeps working against me. So, when I was expecting, I thought I wouldn’t need a breast pump at all; now, I’d recommend all expectant mommies get a breast pump. Even if you are one of the lucky ones who EBFs, you can benefit from handing the feeding duties over to your significant other every once in a while.

Another thing I expected is that when my baby finally was sleeping through the night (which he has been) that I would wake up refreshed. Nope. I’m pretty much the walking dead whether I get 3 hours or 12 hours of sleep. Carrying around a baby who’s pushing 20lbs is difficult. Even though I’m young and healthy, my joints hurt from picking him up and putting him down. It really makes me wonder why everything for babies is so close to the ground. I mean, I know there’s the risk of falling, but if your baby has a 5-point harness on, and the contraption is sturdy, I don’t see why everything can’t be elevated. I mean, high chairs are elevated, aren’t they? So why aren’t swings?! Hello!

Also, I never expected to be this hungry all the time. For example, I just ate breakfast, and, already, I want soup. What’s that all about?