When it Comes to Newborns, What Are You “Supposed” to Do?

If you’re a first time parent, there are new questions arising daily. When will my baby sit up? Should my baby be rolling over? Why does my baby spit up? How come my baby doesn’t appreciate the gesture of a clean outfit? (Well, maybe that last one is just me)

There’s a lot of people who will reference what you’re “supposed to” (or NOT (as in, definitely-not-oh-crap-you-just-did-that-you’re-the-worst-parent-ever-in-the-history-of-reproduction) “supposed to”) do. But where are these holier-than-thou parents getting their information? The doctor? History? KellyMom? Their own mom? WebMD or Mayo Clinic? Intuition?

Who knows. But here are a few things I do know – a few things that you are absolutely, 110% supposed to do. And, it’s you’re lucky day, because I’m going to share these things with you:

1. Feed the baby. I know this might come as a shock, but if your baby is crying, 9/10 times it’s because he/she is hungry. But didn’t you just feed the little one? Yes, in your adult brain it seems as though just three minutes ago, your baby was fed. In actuality, approximately 2 hours of your life have gone by, and your baby is ready to be fed again. Whip out the boob (or shake up that bottle). Baby won’t eat? Calm the baby down by checking all other causes for discomfort (burping, changing, hair tourniquets, etc.) and try again a few minutes later. If all else fails and your baby is not hungry, then your baby is just an asshole. Sorry.

2. Provide the baby with a safe place to sleep. What’s safe for you is not always safe for the baby. Babies need flat surfaces free of blankets, pillows, and toys. But, if you haven’t gotten any sleep in the past 27 hours and the only place your baby will sleep is the swing, then it’s okay to let him/her lounge there. Just strap the baby in and stop Googling SIDs. You’ll probably get an entire 5 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Score.

3. Hugs. Yeah. Babies need hugs. And not two-way hugs, where you receive a hug back. This is a one-way street. The baby gets hugged, and you get spit-up on your shirt. You’re welcome.

Now wasn’t that much simpler than you thought it would be? Admit it. I’m pretty much a parenting genius. Mmkay?