Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? I’ll Tell You.

After bringing Clark home from the hospital, there were a lot of “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” questions. Despite diligently scouring the Internet for baby info, reading almost every baby book, and soliciting the advice of been there done that (BTDT, FYI) moms, I found myself wondering (on almost an hourly basis) why everyone neglected to tell me X, Y, and Z.

Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell you? I’ll tell you. I will tell you why right now. Hopefully, some first time moms will be wise enough to read this (that means you, BTDT moms, must pass it on).

1. Trash

What does trash have to do with babies? Um, everything. Trash has everything to do with babies. BC (that’s Before Clark) our apartment was neat and tidy. My husband took out the trash once every three days. And our “trash” was the size of one small plastic shopping bag. NOT ANYMORE, PEOPLE. Not anymore. Every day (and, truthfully, sometimes many times per day) we fill a hefty, garbage can sized trash bag full of trash. Full. And, no, it’s not filled with diapers. We have the diaper genie for that. No. Honestly, we have no idea what goes in the trash every day. But, we don’t go shopping every day. And more goes out than comes in always. I don’t know how else to explain it: Clark is a trash wizard. Whatever. It’s not the worst thing on this list.

2. Baby puke

Ok, maybe someone told you about baby puke. But no one can accurately describe the endless fountain of drool and spit-up that will project from your baby’s tiny mouth in ten minutes. Seriously. It’s gross. Why didn’t anyone tell you? Simple. They wanted to spare you the gritty details.

3. AngelCare monitor false alarms

Yeah. Everyone tells you how great the AngelCare monitor is – how it gives you peace of mind, and how it’s the best investment you ever made. Sure it is. Until that one night, after you changed the crib sheet and accidentally moved the monitor 2 inches to the left. Then, you fall asleep only to be woke up by “BEEP. (5 seconds) BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP”. The first BEEP was enough to give you a heart attack. Every mom with an AngelCare monitor knows that the first “rouse” beep only goes off after no movement has been sensed for 15 seconds. Initial thought: OMG my baby hasn’t breathed in 15 seconds! Reality: that monitor is going to go off 17 more times before you figure out it’s not the batteries or the mysterious light switch that controls nothing (or so you thought – maybe it controls the plug with the monitor!) – it’s the actual monitor, which is too far away from your squirmy baby. BTW, Clark did not seem at all bothered by the beeps. In fact, he found the entire night to be very amusing. Lights kept turning on. Brian and I kept rushing to the crib. And Clark just giggled at us. Jerk.

4. Babies need constant attention

Constant. As in every waking second of the day. If you’re not supplying a baby with the appropriate distractions, your baby thinks you’re a shitty parent. And your baby will tell you so by grunting, whining, shouting, scowling, pouting, and, finally, puking.

5. Shower

You will never take a shower again. Gross, I know.

And now you know.