The holidays are almost here. And if you’re the typical American family, that may mean spending time with relatives. Sometimes, you don’t particularly like all of your relatives. In fact, some of them are downright crazy. To help you through the holidays, the team at BOTTLESOUP has created a holiday drink pairings menu to ease the tension. Cheers! (Note if you’re looking for actual holiday family guidance, Oprah has the best advice.) Oh and before we begin:  Because people are sometimes humorless and/or do not make the best choices, please be an adult. This article is satire and is not a suggestion or endorsement of parenting or babysitting under the influence. You must be over 21 to drink alcohol. Please drink responsibly. And definitely don’t drink and drive.

Without further ado, here’s our list:

Holiday Drink Pairings to Survive Every Festive Event

In a hurry? Skip ahead to for the perfect holiday drink pairings:

• Vodka and Red Bull – Pairs well with chasing toddlers
• Black and Tan – Pairs well with undercooked meals
• Irish Coffee –  Pairs well with hosting the in-laws for an extended stay
• Russian Qualude – Pairs well with crazy political rants
• Dark Cherry Amaretto Sour – Pairs well with finding out your family is bringing +1’s to your holiday party
• Cranberry Clove Sparkling Margarita – Pairs well with impressing the snobbiest of relatives
• White Wine Sangria – Pairs well with being the “adultiest” adult
• Salted Butterscotch Bourbon Eggnog – Pairs well with actually enjoying your company
• Cinnamon Maple Bourbon Sour – Pairs well with your MIL’s advice
• Frosty Kumquat Martini – Pairs well with feeling like an Ice Queen
• Tipsy Hazelnut Hot Chocolate – Pairs well with playing in the snow
• Cranberry Orange Moscow Mule – Pairs well with feeling like a pack mule
• Candy Cane vodka – Pairs well with being about to lose your $h!t
• Red Queen cocktail – Pairs well with being the master host of holiday events
• Hot Buttered Rum – Pairs well with Christmas morning
• Cranberry Cider Champagne Punch – Pairs well with an “I survived the holidays” celebration

Vodka and Red Bull – Pairs well with chasing toddlers

Vodka and Red Bull. You need wings, after all, and we know from years of commercial watching that Red Bull does, indeed, give you wings. And, you’re watching toddlers during your time off. So vodka is just a necessity. It’s not the most festive, but it does the job.

Black and Tan – Pairs well with undercooked meals

Have a Black and Tan as a calorie substitute. You’ll feel so full afterwards, it won’t matter if the turkey never gets done! Bonus points: you will also experience Black and Tan regret, similar to eating too much food, so you get all the joys of the holidays in just one glass.

Irish Coffee – Pairs well with hosting the in-laws for an extended stay

Irish coffee for the win! They’ll be pleasantly surprised by how relaxed and calm you are at the breakfast table. All the while, you are enjoying a cozy mid-morning buzz that’s empowering you with the ability to ignore their bologna. It’s our little secret!

Russian Qualude – Pairs well with crazy political rants

A quaalude is a synthetic sedative. A Russian Qualude is a delicious highball with similar taming qualities (but without the creepy and illegal factor). Calm yourself down or share a Russian Qualude with your particularly hyped relative to bring down the intensity. You’ll all be having a holly, jolly time before you know it. Holiday drink pairings for the win!

Dark Cherry Amaretto Sour – Pairs well with finding out your family is bringing +1’s to your holiday party

Did you finally finish grocery shopping for your holiday party? Ha! Your brother’s bringing his partner, your crazy aunt is visiting, and all the sudden you have 11 more people on your guest list. Soak up your mood with an incredible Dark Cherry Amaretto Sour. You’ll enjoy this drink so much you’ll forget why you were so salty in the first place. Come on over, everyone!

Cranberry Clove Sparkling Margarita – Pairs well with impressing the snobbiest of relatives

Looking for a sophisticated drink to bring you smug relative down a notch? This Cranberry Clove Sparkling Margarita is as pretty as it is tasty. It’s a must-make on the holiday drink pairings list if you’re looking to impress your guests.

White Wine Sangria – Pairs well with being the “adultiest” adult

If your holiday table is known to get Real Housewives of New Jersey-style, avoid staining the carpet with this delicious Fall & Winter White Sangria. You’ll be keeping it classy while the rest of the crew gets trashy.

Salted Butterscotch Bourbon Eggnog – Pairs well with actually enjoying your company

If you’re hosting Friendsgiving or you actually like your relatives, this Salted Butterscotch Bourbon Eggnog is the perfect pairing for your event. It’s sweet, smooth and savory all at the same time. Sip, sip away for a happy day with loved ones.

Cinnamon Maple Bourbon Sour – Pairs well with your MIL’s advice

It’s that time of year when your MIL corners you with “advice” about life, parenting, and other taboo topics like sex. (We’re still scarred from that one.) This Cinnamon Maple Bourbon Sour is an excellent choice. You can blame your involuntary facial reactions on the sour nature of the drink, meanwhile you’re enjoying a delicious, nerve soothing drink.

Frosty Kumquat Martini – Pairs well with feeling like an Ice Queen

Have you watched Disney’s Frozen one too many times this holiday season? Or maybe the holiday season insanity has you feeling a little grumpy. Pick yourself up with a Frosty Kumquat Martini. You’ll be on the fast-track to rejuvenation, and you’ll belting out “Let it Go” before you know it. And you’ll mean it, too.

Tipsy Hazelnut Hot Chocolate – Pairs well with playing in the snow

Returning indoors after a snowball fight with the littles? While you whip up some warm hot cocoa for the tots, make yourself a delicious, Nutella inspired hot chocolate. With booze, of course. Enjoy your Tipsy Hazelnut Hot Chocolate while simulanteously ignoring the giant puddle of melting snow in your entryway.

Cranberry Orange Moscow Mule – Pairs well with feeling like a pack mule

Are you exhausted from dragging all your suitcases or gifts from place to place this holiday? A Cranberry Orange Moscow Mule is the perfect mix of festive holiday cheer and accurate description of your life right now.

Candy Cane Vodka – Pairs well with being about to lose your $h!t

If “ho, ho, ho merry-I’m-effing-done with this season” sounds like something you would say right now, it’s time to breakout the candy cane vodka. Pour it over ice, take a shot, or tame it down with some seltzer. Keep in mind that Candy Cane Vodka is for holiday emergencies only (or Candy Cane cocktails, which are delicious because Martha Stewart says so).

Red Queen cocktail – Pairs well with being the master host of holiday events

If you’re the best and baddest host, treat yourself to a Red Queen cocktail. The bright, bold color and tasty gin-based drink is well suited for the hostess with the mostest. Who runs the world? You do. Get down with your bad self.

Hot Buttered Rum – Pairs well with Christmas morning

Wrap yourself in a warm hug of a mug. Hot Buttered Rum is a tasty, cozy drink perfect for curling up near the Christmas tree and unwrapping gifts. It’s rich, sweet and oh-so-yummy. Top with some freshly whipped cream for a delicious touch.

Cranberry Cider Champagne Punch – Pairs well with an “I survived the holidays” celebration

When can you really go wrong with Cranberry Cider Champagne Punch? It’s sweet and subtle. It can pack quite a punch. But if you sip this in a pretty, champagne glass you’ll be in a great mood without overdoing it. Enjoy your post-holiday home and pop some champagne for a celebratory toast.

 

Regardless of the reason you drink (or don’t) this holiday season, the team at BOTTLESOUP wishes you a happy, festive celebration. Do you have any holiday drink pairings that didn’t make the list? We’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments below. Happy Holidays!