Yes, you read that right: silence. Silence with a 6 week old. Does such a luxury exist? And accompanied by caffeine and chocolate? What a perfect, blissful morning.
Clark is currently snuggling with Brian while I happily navigate the internet and, then, I remember: I SHOULD BE CLEANING. Story of my life.
Yesterday, while Brian was in Manhattan, I went to visit my mother-in-law. It’s nice to have family live nearby when you want to eat. Or sleep. Or finish a cup of tea. Or take a walk. Or be a human. So, that’s what I did.
Without further ado, here are 5 things I wish I knew before I had the baby:
1. It does not matter how much you slept during your pregnancy. Tell those self-righteous bitches to go suck it. Seriously. I slept an average of at least 12 hours a day + naps during the last 3 months of my pregnancy. And, you know what? That time was WASTED. I wish I would have taken advantage of the baby-free time by going out and about, making dinner, going for walks, taking a vacation, or, basically, anything BUT sleeping. Worst advice ever.
2. If you get an epidural, there’s nothing to be scared of, and you’re not “cheating”. Trust me. The epidural is probably the best medical magic to exist on the market. If druggies got a taste of what an epidural can do, they would be all over that needle. For women who think they’re going to be missing out on the miracle of childbirth, I say this: you will have plenty of pain to endure after the epidural wears off.
3. You will never actually drink that glass of wine you craved all pregnancy. Yeah, that’s right. My entire pregnancy, I craved a glass of Moscato. I have since had the baby, and I have had ZERO glasses of white wine. ZERO glasses of any wine. ZERO glasses of alcohol. But, I have felt drunk. Thanks, sleep deprivation (see #1 if you’re thinking sleeping will help! It will not!)
4. You will not be able to keep up with the Kardashians. This one truly breaks my heart. Keeping Up With the Kardashians is my absolute guilty pleasure. I love, love, love seeing what the girls wear, and Scott Disick is probably my favorite person on television (or possibly ever). However, since Clark made his appearance, I have not been able to enjoy a solid hour of television. This is probably better for me.
5. The baby weight will melt off, but you will not look 19 years old again. If you have some fantasy about the baby weight melting off, and you’ll look like you’re in the best shape of your life, I have three words for you: You are CRAZY. Yes, the baby weight, in my case, has come right off. I only have 7 pounds to go. Where are those 7 pounds? Apparently, they’re in my ass and my thighs. Um, excuse me?!