Once you have a baby, everyone you’ve ever met – your mom, your friend’s grandma, the lady you see in line at the grocery store every other Friday – thinks they have a right to schedule meetings or visits with your child. These aren’t business-type meetings, where money making is involved. No. These meetings are more like community service. Actually, that’s exactly what it’s like. Take every bad thing you’ve ever done – or thought about doing – in your life, multiply that by 12, and that’s how many individual visits each person believes they’re entitled to having. Seriously.
Not only does having a baby mean that other people will want to introduce strangers to your child, it also means you have to meet these suckers, too. And, these little visits come with the “Oh!-Don’t-worry-about-what-you-look-like-you-don’t-even-have-to-take-a-shower-to-come-over” disclaimer, in case there was any debate about the status of your postpartum significance (in case you’re still wondering, your status is ZERO. No one cares about you, your comfort, or your desires anymore. Period. Ever).
Having a baby means you must get better at sharing. You think having a little sister constantly “borrow” things from your wardrobe was difficult? Was not. Siblings, schooling, careers – that’s all pussy shit when it comes to sharing the child that you grew with people you don’t even like. Or know.
Having a baby also means that the people who used to pretend they cared about you no longer keep up the charade. All eyes are on the baby. It doesn’t matter how good you look, or how well put-together you manage to be postpartum. No one cares about you.
Having a baby means you have to constantly surround yourself with strangers and all you get out of it is another creepy toy cluttering up your living space. If you’re reading this, and you’re not a new parent, here are a few suggestions as to what you can give/do for/bring new moms and dads (because, if we’re being honest, this 7-week old baby will not remember your “thoughtful gift”. I will. And guess who’s not invited to the Christmas party? Mrs-Are-You-Sure-You’re-Doing-That-Right-Here’s-Another-Piggy-Bank. Yeah. Screw you.):
1. Baby Wipes: There can never be enough baby wipes. No, they’re not cute or fun to buy. But you know what’s even less fun? Being elbow deep in poo. It’s SO not my best look.
2. Food. Preferably hot food that can be eaten right now, as you hold my baby. Imagine that! You bring the new mom and dad a delicious meal, and they let you Oo and Ahh over their precious bundle, while they devour the take-out you brought. It will probably be the only hot meal they’ve eaten all week, and, trust me, that’s much more than a thoughtful gift: it’s a gift that will be remembered.
3. Cash. This is probably the favorite, most best-est gift a person could give to new parents. Do you know how much diapers cost? No, really. Do you have any idea how much diapers cost?