Everyone has their own tips & tricks for raising your bundle of joy. But those other people don’t know what they’re talking about. I’m here to tell you the truth. From swaddling blankets to sleeping through the night, you don’t need to look any further for your newborn advice.
1. An extra pair of hands. Actually, you might need 2 extra pairs of hands. That’s four individual extra hands. Imagine all the things you could do with eight more thumbs.
2. Caffeine-drip. Consult your friendly heroin addict for advice on how to properly insert a needle. Props if he’s up to babysit, too. After the caffeine kicks in, you’ll probably want to have 911 on speed dial. But, honestly, having a druggie babysit your infant is probably the least scary thing that will happen to you as a new mom or dad.
3. A king-sized bed. What? You didn’t know that you’d be getting to add some new toys to your routine? Slow down, crazy. This large luxury isn’t for you. It’s so you have room for your tiny human. For when you co-sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re so against co-sleeping – until its 7AM and you haven’t slept a wink because your little demon decided it was time to play a game of mommy-pick-me-up all.freaking.night.
4. Racks on racks on racks. Of storage that is. For your new accessories: bottles, nipples, collars, flanges, nipple shields, pump parts, etc. You didn’t think about the makeover your kitchen would be getting, did you? Nope. You didn’t. You’re welcome. (PS: If you think you’ll be “exclusively breastfeeding” and you’ll have “no need” for these things, you’re in la-la-land. Eventually, you’ll have to use the bathroom, and your baby will need a bottle of pumped milk. Or, you will breakdown and supplement with formula. Or, you will just be a crazy bitch until your baby is weened. And, possibly, you will never be able to revert to the laid-back, fun-loving girl you used to be).
5. Cash money, bitches. Babies are expensive. So is take-out. You get the idea.
6. Gym membership. Your precious, tiny bundle of joy will quickly become the size and weight of two cinder-blocks roped together. Get lifting, momma. Also, you’ll eventually want to get out of the house and have a few moments to yourself. And, sorry not sorry, but the baby weight doesn’t just “melt off”. Those bitches are lying.
7. Netflix. There will be days where all you do is lay in bed, feed the baby, and watch the telly. And, let me tell you, those TLC baby show marathons you used to love? Suddenly not so interesting when you have a real, live baby grunting next to you. Instead, you’ll want to have Netflix. Warning: you may become obsessed with weird documentaries about the lives and legends of porn stars. Or maybe that’s just me?
8. Extra hours in a day and extra days in the week. Does anyone know where I can get these? Email me at email@example.com
9. Friends with babies. Start making these now. Because after you have a baby, you’ll realize that most of your old friends don’t “get it”. Also, you’ll want to cry to someone other than your significant other once in a while. Because, even if he/she is completely supportive, that whiney shit gets old. Hello, do you want to listen to someone else’s problems 24/7? No way, Jose.
10. A hobby. Preferably one that can be done in 30-second increments and will not explode/fall apart if you need to walk away. Because if you have nothing but your baby, you will become intolerable. And depressed. And lame. And a horrible role model for your baby. And, hello, no one wants that. After all, isn’t your little baby going to run for president one day? UH – not if you just goo-goo-gah-gah at him/her all day. Learn something so you can teach your baby later. #smartypants #YouDaLady
So, there you have it! Good luck registering for that shizz. XOXO – Best mommy blogger evaaaaaa