A lot of women (and men) complain about how difficult it is to be a stay at home parent. “I always say moms have the toughest job in the world if you’re doing it right,” Oprah says. So, maybe I’m doing it wrong, but I’m going to raise the bullshit flag on the complaints and share the greatest parts of being a stay at home mom (or stay at home dad). Without further ado, here’s my top 10:
1. What time do I have to wake up tomorrow? Oh, that’s right: I don’t. It could be 3AM on Monday, and I’ll stay up until the sunrise. You know why? I set the schedule. I’m the boss. Breakfast is at noon. Every.damn.day. And, while everyone rushes to the train or the parkway, I’m clogging up the line in Starbucks with four of my mommy friends. Also, I’m going to have my latte remade three times, then go home and drink my espresso and milk in peace. You’ll probably be late to work, spill your delicious hot beverage, and have the worst day of your life. Me? I’ll probably get some spit up on my old t-shirt. And then I’ll wear it like a badge of honor for the next week and tell everyone how tough I’ve got it. For real, though.
2. Dress code. My daily attire can double as pajamas. Is that suit and tie uncomfortable? Are your heels killing your feet? Ho-hum. I only get dressed up for fun things, like dinner dates or just because I feel like looking fabulous. While you’re slaving the day away, I’m at home, wearing socks and yoga pants. And, yup, that’s it. I’m also lying in my featherbed, talking to a cute tiny human. My biggest inconvenience will be getting up to use the bathroom or eat.
3. Crying baby. How is this a pro, you ask? Simple. I’m the only person home. The place is a wreck. How come I didn’t get anything done? Oh, you know, the baby was being fussy today. Except he wasn’t. In fact, he slept all day. But no one needs to know. And I just ate a jelly donut, took a bath, left some diapers on the floor, and watched 12 hours of Netflix. No argument necessary. Clearly, you can see from the crumbs and dirty evidence that my day was jam-packed (with donuts). Genius.
4. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Yup. And I’m not on the clock. Beer for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do. (But, please, I have better things to do, and I prefer to eat my carbs, thank you).
5. Autonomy. You thought I was going to write 10 things? That’s cute. Who’s going to hold me to it? I think I’ll stop at five, thank-you-very-much, because right now, I’m busy binge-watching the TiVo with my husband while I pretend to “rest up” for the horrible day I’m going to have tomorrow (you know, catching up on Netflix).