Oh, don’t let him fool you. He looks cute and innocent, snuggled in a towel, sitting in his bathtub as he waits (quietly) for me to finish a shower. He just had a bath, and he smells like fresh baby. It was the perfect start to the perfect day.
Or so I thought.
About 10 minutes after this photo was taken, Clark went bat-shit crazy. As in crazy-insane-crazy. (Side note: I just flipped off my baby. That’s legal, right?)
I hope so. Because I just did it. I just flipped off my baby, and he was smiling at me like an angel. News flash, baby, YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ME! Playtime is OVER. I play to win, bitch. You’re about to get SERVED. And, no, not a fucking bottle, you tiny, uneducated human.
Speaking of intelligence, at two months, the mommy boards are going mental over milestones. Yes, the babies of the mighty, I’m-so-much-better-than-you mommies are all breaking records and making mental leaps worthy of a Harvard education. In fact, the deans of the Ivy League schools are about to confer about 80,000 honorary PhDs for these baby geniuses. Sure, that will somewhat devalue the prestige. But, who cares? Your baby got a degree from Yale.
My son, on the other hand, is making different milestones. I don’t want to brag, but they’re pretty fucking creative. While your children are aspiring Olympians, my baby is doing the following:
1. Pretending to sleep through the night. And then…SURPRISE! It’s 6 days later. I just worked myself into a routine. And Clark says, “Oh, fuck that! I’m awake bitches! It’s time to party!” Andddd repeat 3x a night. Thanks a lot, asshole. What milestone is this, you’re wondering? “Trickster”. Check.
2. Being cuddly and cute. Except that Clark’s diaper smells like toxic waste. There’s absolutely nothing adorable about that. And, yeah, I did just get comfortable. Ugh. We can add “Smelly Kid” to Clark’s list of achievements.
3. Damn, mommy, you lift weights? Yes, actually, I do. Because Clark has officially become the “Iron Man”. What kind of 2 month old weighs more than my pink dumbbells? Apparently this one.