The bloggers at babble.com are absolutely not from the planet earth. The article I read today, “8 Healthy Foods I Can’t Get My Kids to Eat!“, was an absolutely useless POS, and I can tell you exactly why. 1) The author’s kid is not every kid. 2) The author’s kid is not my kid. 3) The food pictured is also not appetizing to most adults (and even some dogs won’t touch that crap). If you haven’t read the article, GOOD. But, if you have, let me elaborate. Below are the foods listed in the article and my (correct) reason for why kids do not like that shit (at all):
1. Kale chips. Are you fucking serious? I have a 2 month old, and even I wouldn’t try to feed those awkward dry leaves to a child. The texture is weird, and not even Trader Joe can fix the gross taste of a roasted kale leaf. No. You want to force feed your child kale? Put it in soup. You do not disrespect the term “chip” by roasting a green vegetable in its name. Seriously.
2. Sweet potatoes & yams. The reason your children don’t like these gems is because you’re doing it wrong. Roast these delicious stem tubers in a glossing of coconut oil. Sprinkle some cinnamon mid-bake. Voila. These things are delicious to children.
3. Quinoa. Is this amateur hour? Quinoa is GROSS. It’s gross. It’s gross, and I LOVE healthy foods. Stop lying to yourself. And don’t try to give it to any children ever again. Ever.
4. Almond butter. The reason is simple: almond butter is not as delicious as peanut butter. Duh.
5. Desserts in Disguise. What kind of asshole are you? Dessert is not supposed to be healthy. In fact, the very definition of dessert will prove this point. And, you’re also describing your terrible trick incorrectly. You’re not disguising dessert as something healthy, so there’s no “desserts in disguise”. You’re not disguising anything. The photo you provided straight-up looks like a granola bar. Not cool.
6. Almond milk. Firstly, stop calling this gross almond juice “milk”. It’s not milk. Milk is delicious. Almond juice is bitter and clear. It does not possess the beautiful, white opaqueness of cow’s milk. There’s literally NOTHING attractive about almond “milk”.
7. Tofu. Unless you are Japanese, and you’re putting this in a delicious miso soup, no one wants your tofu. And, honestly, the only reason people eat miso soup is because they’re waiting for sushi, and they don’t want to fill up. No one orders miso soup on it’s own. Also, everyone knows about the hormones in soy. So, I’m assuming you were just running out of food items your children hate. And, while we’re on the topic, your children don’t just hate the food choices, they hate you for making these things. Yes, that’s right, your children hate you. You’re welcome.
8. Gluten-free bread items. What kind of cruel dictator are you? For real. The best part of bread is THE GLUTEN! And, if you think you’re giving your children “healthy” alternatives with GF bread, news flash: you’re fucking not! Gluten-free products are FULL of added sugar. And, unless you have Celiac Disease (which, only 1 in 133 Americans have, so, if you “think” you have it, you’re probably full of shit) there’s absolutely no reason to avoid gluten.
There you have it. Lest you think I am simply prejudice against one babble.com blogger, let me reassure you that is not the case. Yesterday, I read a post about “realistic lunches” for your kindergartener, which advised the purchase of tiny cookie cutters to be used for making pineapples look “cute” in lunch boxes. I don’t have a kindergartener, so I’m no expert, but somehow I don’t see anything “realistic” about using a sharp metal object to anthropomorphize a delicious fruit while trying to get a 5 year old dressed and to the classroom before the hour of 8AM. Seriously.