1. Your friends invite you out, and instead of thinking “YAY! Girls night!” you start doing a cost-benefit analysis that looks something like this: Time getting ready + X hours of enjoyment ÷ drinks consumed = not enough fun to make the hangover worth it.
2. Photos of people without children having “fun” don’t make you jealous; they make you tired.
3. Before you put anything in your mouth, you think, “Do I have time to work these calories off?” But even if the answer is no, you still eat that shit. Because, honestly, your baby loves you anyway. Duh.
4. Your idea of the ultimate luxury and relaxation is a 10 minute shower, with time left over to put lotion on your legs and face.
5. No amount of caffeine can keep you awake like a fussy baby can.
6. You get excited about having more babies, because it means you no longer have to worry about the state of your abdominal muscles.
7. The elation you feel from someone else making dinner is equal to winning a trip to Disney World.
8. You miss working full-time because you actually had free time then.
9. The only way you mentally survive a week without a shower is by holding fast to the truth that you, at least, look better than Miley Cyrus (and she’s famous).
10. “Clean” means you can trip over everything in the room, but nothing smells so YAY!