I’m not even going to write an intro. We’re just going to dive into the meat and potatoes on this one.
1. “You look tired.”
Um, hello. I know. I am tired. Are you offering to help me? No? Then STFU and tell me I look fabulous.
2. “Have you tried…”
Yes. I have tried all of the things. All of the things. No, I did not forget to burp the baby. No, my baby is not cold. No, I am not going to let you hold the baby now. Please stop overstimulating my child, then returning him to me when everything I have already tried has failed you, too.
3. “If I had a baby, I would…”
Oh, you don’t have any children? I see. Tell me again how this conversation is going to help me? Oh, it won’t help me at all? Thanks for wasting my time!
4. “OMG last night…”
No one cares, Drunkie McCringleberry. Hold on, I can tell the story for you: last night, you got super drunk (LOLZ) and took some horrible photos. You accidentally texted that guy who doesn’t even know your name. You woke up with a hangover. You ate too many carbs. Your clothes smell like puke. Ok, maybe the last two things are something we have in common. But the rest? You’re on your own, loser.
5. “I overslept.”
First of all: you slept. Second of all: you got more sleep than you should have. Third: I hate your guts!