As a first time mom, there are a few things I’d like for Christmas. Nothing I want is extravagant or outlandish; in fact, most of my wish list items are pretty lame.
1. A Good Hair Day
I’m so sick of rocking the “messy bun”. It’s not cute. It’s just all I have time to do. I miss the days of blowdrying my hair and having it stay perfect and pretty all day long. Even if I get a chance to do my hair now, within minutes it has a shiny coating of baby drool and a new look, courtesy of Clark’s fingers (which, in his defense, I believe he’s trying to use as a curling iron. Thanks, but no thanks, baby.)
2. Ten minutes
Yes. Ten minutes. Ten minutes to do whatever I want to do. Ten minutes to shower. Ten minutes to write. Ten minutes to drink a glass of water. Or, hell, ten minutes to cry.
3. Baby and me yoga classes
Because let’s face it: getting someone to watch Clark for 2 hours while I go to the gym is just unrealistic. There aren’t many people I feel comfortable leaving Clark with, and Clark is less than thrilled when I leave the room for three seconds. On second thought, leaving the house with Clark is a workout in itself. So, maybe I’ll just do some yoga with him at home, then go grocery shopping. That’s gotta burn at least 1,200 calories, right?
4. A massage
I may be in my twenties, but lifting the equivalent of two and a half bowling balls repeatedly is exhausting at any age. My back hurts. My neck hurts. My arms hurt. My legs hurt. Everything hurts. Also, I’m sleepy.
5. Zero questions
I’m so sick of fielding questions about what Clark eats, if Clark can have something, if Clark needs a diaper change, what I think about Clark doing X, Y, or Z. Just shut up. Stop asking me 781 questions about Clark. All I want is one day where everyone stops questioning my parenting skills and just chills out. Clark is fine. Clark eats bottles. Clark naps when he wants to. And, yeah, he chews on his hands and drools. He’s a baby; what did you expect? Manners? You’re crazy. Also, you’re not giving me a “break” if you ask me 99 questions and expect me to get things for you. You’re giving me more chores.
So, if you want me to have a very merry Christmas, you can just follow these simple guidelines. I’m pretty sure the grand total for everything on my wish list is $FREE.99! You’re welcome, people.