Lots of expectant moms and dads waste their time reading books and assembling the perfect nursery in preparation for their new bundle of joy. Instead of doing that stuff, here’s what you should be dedicating your pre-baby time to doing:
1. Learning how to do everything with just one hand
Yes, everything. Tying your shoes. Drinking your coffee. Eating breakfast. Making breakfast. Sending text messages. Taking a shower. Everything. Actually, you should probably just make it your goal to do everything with your hands tied behind your back, because odds are your infant is going to need both of your hands – for everything.
2. Get sick
Get sick now, because after your baby arrives, you will never have time to get sick again. So, please, go catch every virus possible before the baby arrives. This will avoid a lot of trouble in the future. After all, you don’t want to get your baby sick, do you?
3. Practice your faux smile
Yeah, get your fake face ready, because you’re going to need it. You might even want to practice this gimmick before you get pregnant, because for whatever reason, everyone in the universe takes pregnancy and parenthood as the prime opportunity to tell you what an irresponsible, sack of shit they think you are with advice like “make sure you watch the baby”. You know, because you’re such an asshole, you won’t pay any attention to your child. Also, you should start solids, like, yesterday. And doctors don’t know anything. So, screw you, you fragile, new parent. Screw you. So what if you carried your baby for 9 months? You don’t know anything about your own child. YOU KNOW NOTHING. (In case you were wondering who knows everything about babies, it’s your mother in law. But, please, you don’t need me to tell you that. She’s going to tell you herself. Every.fucking.day. for the rest.of.your.life.)
4. Learn how to tell people “NO”
More specifically, learn how to tell people “NO” in a way that will make your “NO” respected. In the event that the fake it till you make it scam fails to go over well with super pushy relatives, you will need to learn how to tell people no. As in, “No, you may not fry an egg for my 2 month old.” Or, “No, you cannot take my baby from my arms because you think he wants you, because NO, he does not.” And, my personal favorite, “NO, that’s not your baby.”
Learning these four skills will be much more beneficial than any other baby prep ever. For real, though.