Are you in an abusive relationship? Do you have someone in your life who is consistently undermining you and forcing you to do things against your will? Is your abuser between the ages of birth to 12 months? If so, you’re not alone.
Moms and dads of all ages, I am in an abusive relationship with my 6.5 month old. Today, alone, Clark Monster Man has done the following:
1. Forced me to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6:45AM, on a Sunday, to make him a bottle. Why is this abusive? Well, he did not let me go to sleep until close to 1AM, and he woke up at 3:18AM demanding cuddles and bed sharing. This was not my idea.
2. Subjected me to incessant screaming at 9AM. For the love of my eardrums, screaming is not a “happy” noise, Clark. It doesn’t matter if you smile as you scream. And it’s especially obnoxious before noon.
3. Insists on being carried everywhere. Really. I have no choice in the matter. I must lug around a 21lb tiny human. So unfair.
4. Requires round-the-clock service. Yeah – if my little munchkin man wants a bottle, he means he wants it now! If I take too long preparing a bottle, I’m met with angry tears, shouting, and face-slaps while I feed him. When was the last time getting smacked in the face was acceptable? Uh, it’s not!
5. Manipulation. Clark Monster Man is the master of manipulation. Put him in the crib for bedtime? Scream. Start picking him up? Smile. Think about letting him play independently? Scream. Want to take a shower? Forgetaboutit. Scream. Clark’s only happy when everything is exactly the way he wants it to be. Nothing less than perfection is acceptable.
6. Horrible communicator. In addition to being extremely demanding, Clark is also extremely difficult to understand. He resorts to throwing a fit instead of using calm, polite gestures. It’s super rude.
What I’m trying to say is this: moms and dads, I feel you. Living with an infant is equal to being held hostage by an angry little criminal. Although you really want to laugh at the lack of control this tiny dictator has, you can’t. Because you have Stockholm Syndrome. So, instead, you cave to this baby leader’s every demand. And you like it. Because you have been mentally, physically, and emotionally hijacked.
And you wouldn’t have it any other way, now would you? Me, neither.